First of all, I would like to thank you very much for my present last year.
I very much like the new Third you sent me. Not to sound ungrateful Santa, but would have been too much to ask to send me one that doesn't look like he is about to die after sweeping a rock for 25 seconds? Well- never mind. This time of year is about being thankful for what we have.
I am also very grateful for the funky Loudmouth Curling pants you left for me. It was great to have people laughing at me for something other than my inturn.
(Fashion tip for you Santa; I think some Argyle pants would be very slimming for you - the red kinda makes you look like a bit of a firetruck.)
Now for this year. I have been more nice than naughty (I apologized for the broken broom), so I was hoping for some extra special presents this year.
Here are some random things I want -for me - and for my other friends in the curling world.
First; I would really like Jeff Stoughton's inturn. He only really uses it half of the time...I promise to make far better use of it than he does.
Second, I would like to have Jennifer Jones' clutchness. More than any other curler I have ever seen, she makes the BIG shot when she absolutely needs it the most. She typically looks like Bambi on ice early in the week at the Scotties, but once she gets to the point where she needs to make shots - Wow. I'm not sure how you are going to wrap that one Santa, but you will figure it out.
Third, I would like to have Kevin Koe's hairline. O wait - you already gave me that one. Ya thanks for that.
Fourth, I need Pierre Charette's brain. I figure I could just borrow it a few times per game.
Pierre's brain has won more curling games than any other curler's body part.
By far the smartest curler on the planet.
Pierre's brain is so big, when he flies on Air Canada, they make him buy an extra ticket for his brain.
Pierre's brain is so big, it sleeps 7 comfortably.
Pierre's brain is so big, when he goes to a movie - they actually ask him to sit in the front, and project the movie on his brain.
Pierre's brain is so big, Doctor House calls Pierre's brain when he doesn't know what to do next.
Pierre's brain is so big, he can communicate telepathically with the stones. (This is the only possible explanation I can think of as to why he makes so many shots and wins so often with such an ugly delivery).
Fifth, I need Martin Crete's voice. Or at least give me a mute button for when I play next to him. Santa, I swear two weeks ago I saw him scream for 10 seconds at a stone that had stopped moving. I think he actually though the sound waves could get it to oscillate another couple of inches.
Sixth, I need a pair of Lululemon curling pants. Scottie says they make any one's ass look better!
Ok - enough for me.
For my wife and kids; I need a clone of me for all the weekends when I am away beating myself up at yet another spiel. While he's at it, maybe he can fill in for me at work on those vacation days I am wasting on the Thursday and Friday of curling weekends.
A wish for curling in Montreal.
I want you to make curling catch on again.
I know I sound like an old curmudgeon, but it seems to me years ago there was so much life and action in Montreal curling. There were 75+ teams signed up to play down to get to provincials.
Every spiel seemed full. There were big, fun events. There was a curling club on Fort Street.
What happened? Where did everybody go?
I hear St-Anne's curling club is on its last legs, and there are a few others teetering on the edge.
Santa; I fear curling is becoming a Winter Olympic Sport, and not the game for the masses it once was.
So Santa; I need to you to figure out how to make the sport big again. How to keep it growing.
Or at least tell me how to do it.
I'm not sure how to fit that one under the tree, but I promise not to return it, unlike that crappy John Morris fitness book you gave me last year.
Mike the Curling Guy
Will try to blog sporadically over the holidays.