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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Applying for a Job: Skip of Team Canada!

So Kevin Koe managed to lose his last three games at the World Championship, getting pretty soundly beaten each time by some solid European squads. So they return home from Beijing without a medal.
I have seen the CCA site trying to put a positive spin on this by saying we are the only country to have finished in the top 6 in every world event. Really? This is sad.
I know they will not admit it, but surely the fact that they had already publicly parted ways before the final clearly had an impact on their performance. They looked drained from the week, from the season and from the past three years. As I mentioned last week, the pace required to play at an elite level is now somewhat grueling, and it showed.
Apparently, the 3 guys left on the team after Koe forms his new team (Simmons, Rycroft and Thiessen) are planning on sticking together, renting a skip and playing 3 or 4 events next year, including the Brier. Wow. Quite the Team Canada! I am sure this is exactly what the CCA had in mind when it hatched up relegation and the Team Canada spot.

But anyway – here is my quick note to Nolan, Carter and Pat:

Hi Guys:

I hear you guys are in need of a skip for next year at the Brier, the Canada Cup and whatever other free events that you can get into! Please allow me to offer up my services as your new skip. I have attached my CV, as well as letters of reference from my Mixed team, as well as a guy I won the Lachine Curling Club Turkeyspiel with 11 years ago. I have also attached a Team Pic - just to show you guys how good we would look together!

Pretty schnazzy!

I am not a bad curler, and I can bring to the team the level of hairlessness to which you have grown accustomed from your skip. While I do not have the pedigree (pun intended) of a Kevin Martin, or the stylish hair of a Jeff Stoughton, I can definitely add some “je-ne-sais-quoi” to your team.  Plus I look good in red!

 I mean who are your other choices?

Kevin Martin? C’mon, he is a has-been. You might as well pick up Randy Ferbey!  Did you see that in-turn hit he dumped against Morris in the Trials? Rachel Homan peels better.

Stoughton? Bah. His inturn looked more like he was throwing a Frisbee at the beach at the Brier this year!

Morris? He is taking the year off to go to fireman school! (where you apparently learn how to pump iron and pick up women from your fire truck)

Howard? He is starting his new career as a TV actor! Way too busy to curl.

Brock Virtue? I hear he is in anger management for a year.

Brad Jacobs? You guys are not beefy enough to lure him away from his current monstrous team. (although Nolan is pretty big)

 And everyone else is busy!

So that leaves ... me!!! C’mon – it will be fun!


Mike Fournier


Look Mom – I am a celebrity!!!

I have been invited to play in the Kurl 4 Kids celebrity bonspiel next weekend in Oakville! Unlike the Montreal event, the Toronto edition is kind of a celebrity pro-am, where fundraisers get to play with celebrity skips after having raised piles of money for local children’s hospitals (as well as the Sandra Schmirler foundation).
And guess what, I am a CELEBRITY SKIP! Wow! I have made it! (I knew that guy following me to McDonalds yesterday was a member of the paparazzi, not a homeless guy looking for a cheeseburger). I can promise you all that now that I have become a famous celebrity, I will not forget all the little people who helped me make it. Does this mean I will be recognized when I go to Walmart? Will I have to start wearing giant bug-eye sunglasses in public? Oh, the high price of fame!
Seriously, I am thrilled and honored to be invited, and always happy to donate my time to help out a good cause.
I have looked at a list of some of the other celebrity skips, (including Jamie Koe and Jamie Korab) and I am very worried that the weekend will likely be as much about liver damage as curling. Ah the sacrifices we make.
So if you FORGOT or were uninspired to donate to my Montreal Kurling for Kids team two weeks ago, you can make up for it now by donating by clicking on the link below. The money raised will go to the Sandra Schmirler foundation whose mission is to help fund Neo-Natal Intensive Care in Canada. Having spent 6 weeks in a Neo-Natal care unit with my son when he was born, I can tell you that this is a cause that is dear to my heart as well, so give generously!



  1. Guess who the rent-a-skip will be?

    Why of course Johnny Mo - the skip of Team Johnny Mo...surely that fireman stunt is just an excuse to dump "Team" BC.

    Why do the central planners even bother with the charade of events any more. There are no fans at the slam events. The parties should just loot the treasury and head straight to vegas and go party.

  2. The olympics is just a big scam for the machiavellan ultra-rich to spend 100's of billions of phoney money into useless venues that the peasants get to pay for. The money whores at the CCA aint gonna cut it with the machiavellans very long if their fans keep disappearing. Olympic Curling at 3:00AM in the morning is what they call in the biz, ....FILLER. Lots of rule changes coming...its really going to be funny watching the commies turn this sport into a freak show.