Favorite Reporter

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Monday, January 21, 2013

My Interview with Oprah

The week before Lance Armstrong’s controversial interview with Oprah Winfrey, a lesser known “athlete” appeared on her show. Here is a transcript from the episode.


Oprah: Thanks Mike for coming on my show. I must admit I don’t usually interview curlers.
MF: Thanks for having me Oprah. I felt the need to come on your show, and set the record straight about our curling season, about my use of Performance Inhibiting Drugs, as well as discuss the upcoming Quebec Curling Provincials.
Oprah: Excellent. You guys had a brutal end to your season this year, stinking it up at regional playdowns, and not making it anywhere near provincials. Is that right?
MF: Yeah, thanks Oprah. We did stink at regionals. That is why I am sitting here with you, and not practicing for Quebec Provincials.
Oprah: Well, let's start with the tough questions. Did you at any time during the regionals take Performance Inhibiting Substances?
MF: Yes, I am afraid I consumed 2 Ashton Poutines during the weekend. And after we were eliminated, I consumed a considerable amount of alcohol.
Oprah: Did you consume Rye?
MF: Yes
OW: Did you consume beer?
MF: Yes.
OW: Did you consume Vodka?
MF: Yes
OW: Did you consume Rum?
MF: Yes.
OW: Did you consume Anything Flaming, like Sambukah?
MF: Yes. (sob)
OW: Anything else?
MF: Yes. Once we got back to the hotel, I still had images of our last game in my mind, so I drank the contents of the hotel mini-bar, as well as a bottle of Aqua-Velva I had in my shaving kit.
OW: It was that bad a weekend?
MF: Yes Oprah. One of the worst. We lost back-to-back-to-back games against teams that we should quite frankly have destroyed. We missed draws. We missed hits. We missed peels. We missed sweeping calls.
OW: Wow, was there anything you did well?
MF: Well, we showed up on time for our games. And we threw the right colored rocks. And nobody fell down!
OW: So how do you explain your performance?
MF: Well Oprah, sometimes you have a bad day. And of course the Ashton poutine. I blame the poutine.
OW: What did you do in the weeks following the defeat.
MF: I have been in hiding. I have not shaved since the regionals. I have not eaten anything but white rice and Diet Coke. I traveled to Nepal, to seek wisdom and clarity of thought in a Buddhist Monastery. I have taken up monastic chanting and yoga. I have become one with the universe. I think all of this will eventually help my inturn.
OW: So what is next for you guys?
MF: Well Oprah, a lot of soul-searching. We need to ask ourselves the hard questions. Why did we play so badly when it counted the most? Why did all of our hard work and practice not help us? And why did my imaginary girlfriend have to die of cancer the week before the playdowns?
OW: That certainly is a lot to deal with. Are you going to watch the provincials?
MF: I suppose I will follow along on my computer.
OW: Any predictions?
MF: Well. ..
Ménard is the heavy favorite on the men’s side. But they do not have the aura of invincibility they once enjoyed. If they manage to elevate their game to where they were a few years ago, they will win. But based on their play this year, it could be a struggle.
Ferly (Martin Ferland) has looked strong at times, weak at others. They have been horrible at the last few provincials, but have stuck it out and are back for another kick at it. To be honest, I think I see these guys winning it this year. They are due.
Lemay has a strong team, but they seem to have moments of extreme incompetence. I think they still need a few more years before they are ready.
Defending champ Desjardins has looked like a train wreck for most of the season. Bob will have to stand on his head if they are going to be anywhere close to a final.

Hemmings? Jeez. I can’t believe it would be possible. Have not seen enough of Guy to assess whether or not he still has game.  
Steeve Gagnon has looked very good this year at times, especially for a team that plays less often. They are my dark horse pick for the week.
Other than these 6 teams, not likely.

Oprah: What about the women?
MF: Well, smart money is on Marie-France as usual.  I like Allison Ross and Julie Hamel. Not sure if Eve can back to her form from a few years ago, especially with a new team.

Oprah: Mike, thanks for coming on my show. I know it must have been difficult for you to talk about these things, so soon after the defeat.
MF: Well Oprah, I have never been one to shy away from the tough questions. And good luck with that cycling interview next week. I know this interview will be a tough act to follow.