Provincials

Well, we are but a few days away from the start of Quebec's first combined Men's and Women's provincial championship.

I have to admit, I am severely bummed about not being there.
I kinda feel like the girl who did not get asked to go to the prom. I think I will sit alone at home and eat ice cream.
To make it worse, Mike and Tom got asked to spare/5th man for other Montreal teams...so I really feel like the only serious curler who will not be in Gatineau this weekend.

I definitely intend to drive up and try to watch some curling...not sure when but Gatineau is pretty close, and there should be some hot curling. But it will be with a heavy heart.

I am guessing people are expecting some sort of prognostication - so here are the odds:

JM Menerd : 3-1
There is no clear favorite this year, but JM is as close as you get to one. They have won a lot this year, and still seem hungry. We need to see these pants at the brier:

Martin Ferland: 4-1
They have been up - they have been down. This team is tough - and they won Laval, the final tune-up before provs.  And they now have numbers on their jackets. Too cool.

Serge Reid: 6-1
Ok. This team has been a Cinderella story since last year's provincials. They went from rags to riches. My prediction: they will struggle this week - Its midnight.

Bob Dejardins / Frankie Gagné: 6-1
This team has been strangely good since dropping Bob to 3rd. They are my "Dark Horse" pick of the week.

Guy Hemmings:  10-1
New team with Simon playing 3rd. Prediction: Simon will get accidentally locked out of the arena while sneaking out for a smoke between ends, and will have to buy a $10 ticket to get back in.

Danny Bedard:  10-1
Streaky Team - have never looked all that spectacular this year.

JS Roy: 8-1
They won the circuit - but that was pretty much all they did this year. I can't see them winning, but they can beat anyone as well.

Everybody else (Martel, Lawton and Briand) 40-1, and I will say 10-1 against any of them making the playoffs. However, these are not bad teams, and can beat anyone. They will likely play the role of spoiler, because you know that one of them will beat a big name.

For the women's, I will not run through all of the teams. Only 6 have a real shot:

Eve Belisle: Defending champ has not been heard from much this year. But has the experience to win it all. 

Marie France: Solid line-up. Tough to not pick them to win. And they look cool in their Star trek Uniforms. Here is their 5th player...

Chantal Osborne: This team is overloaded with experience. Collectively they have more hearts than a Hallmark store on Valentine's day. Joelle Sabourin always seems to find herself on the team that wins.

Kim Mastine: A good team - but have struggled this year. Can they pull it together?

Joelle Belley and MC Cantin have an outside shot, but will more than likely play spoilers.

I will go out on a limb and pick Chantal to win at home.

NOW GO AND WATCH.
If you are a curling fan in Quebec (or even Ottawa), you should try to go to provincials. The new combined format is supposed to make the event more accessible to fans - we need to show that we can fill an arena for a curling game.



Juniors: Junior Nationals are this week in Calgary! Good luck to Alanna and team.

The Continen.......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Ok - here is my report on the Continental Cup....
There was some....curl....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I admit. I totally fell asleep every time I turned it on.
It was so boring, I looked forward to the Tim Horton's commercial.
It was so boring, I channel surfed to an infomercial for a vegetable slicer, and I don't even like vegetables.
It was so boring, I started reading the John Morris fitness book to pass the time. (ok it wasn't THAT boring).
It was so predictable, I was cheering for the Europeans.
They could at least have invited the young babe team from Sweden to at least have some eye candy on the ice. Or what about Jackie Lockhart? C'mon CCA, give me something to watch!

Seriously, I have a difficult time being a curling fan when it comes to these contrieved events. Does this event actually make any money? Or does it just funnel more money to the teams who need it the least?

Every time they showed the crowd, there were 10 sleeping seniors in the crowd. I think I saw more people watching my last club ladder game at Glenmore.

I think the CCA should try to work on events that make curling better, and this is definitely not one of them. Heard a rumour about an East vs. West team event in the works. That could be more interesting...and I would not have to watch the painfully boring American teams.

But honestly, I am a curling fan...and I think there is a real danger of saturating the TV potential of the sport. What is next? A curling reality show? Maybe a little scarcity would be a good thing.

***

Martin Ferly won the Laval Open this weekend. He beat Fred Marchand (who knocked off JM Menard in the semis) in the final.
Strangely, I played in this tournament despite my end of season malaise...and predictably lost to guys I had never heard of.
I think there was a seniors event on as well, but I was too sleep-deprived to notice.
I am not sure if it is because my curling pants look like I am wearing pyjamas, but this year I always seem to be getting draws that have me playing after midnight. (My Friday game ended at 1:30AM, Saturday 2:20AM). I am really crappy late at night. After midnight is meant for sleeping, drinking, partying, and ....,  not curling.

Oh - and I take back what I said about Luc Chevalier being a nice guy; he stole my fork on multiple occasions during the fondue dinner. Bastard.

***

Somehow forgot to mention last week that my illustrious 2nd at Glenmore won the Juniors last week and will represent Quebec at Nationals in Calgary. Bold prediction: Alana and team will make it to the weekend at Nationals.
Here they are...(they are not this blurry in person)

There is a spaghetti dinner at Glenmore this Friday to send them off with a few badly needed bucks in their pockets. Drop by if you are around, all are welcome.

***

Good news: I hear that RDS has picked up some curling. Apparently they will show 6 games during the championship season, with no less than Guy Hemmings doing the commentary.
I like Guy's commentary - but I think they needed to find the guy who used to do the mini-putt commentary on RDS instead. Here he is calling a birdie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9FMPoYWd9o

If this guy could make a sport featuring a guy in a cheap shirt putting with a $20 Sears putter at a crappy mini-putt that does not even have a windmill or a clown sound exciting...imagine what he could do for curling!

Good Grief - and fondue

Well another competitive curling season comes to an end.
Here is my season illustrated:

Like Lucy, curling tempts me with the prospect of success, hope, and potential.
And once again, curling yanked the football away, leaving me flat on my ass.
Losing really sucks.

For those who do not know, my team lost in the West regionals this weekend. We went a stellar 1-2, and were very much outplayed in both of the games we lost. So, another competitive season comes to a close, this year much earlier than in the past. I must say, this is a bit of a tough one to take. I have practiced, practiced and practiced some more to the point where I can say that I am throwing the rock better than I ever have in my life, and yet we lost.

The worst part of being out is that we don't get to play. I really love curling competitively. I love the strategy, I love the games, I love having provincials to look forward to. I love making shots. Being out means I do not get to play anymore meaningful games until next year. Damn.

On the plus side, I find myself with an unused week of vacation, and some actual money left in the team account - some consolation.

***
Some stories from the West Regionals:

- the big surprise this weekend was Fred Lawton, who played some stellar curling this weekend to qualify. Fred's season so far sounded more like a bad country song than the season of someone who would win the regionals:
"My 3rd is still a -working,
We lost with only three,
My dog also left me,
Poor, poor, poor, me."

But Fred turned it around this weekend, mounting a huge comeback to beat Ted Butler, losing a tight game to Bedard in the A-final, then beating Martin Roy in a hard-fought B-final.

- The number 1 and 2 seeds won a total of one game all weekend. Pierre Charrette and myself never looked like the 1 and 2 seeds, and will thus be watching in Gatineau instead of playing. People will ask what happened. We can definitely talk about the ice at Longue Pointe being brutally straight (which always favours weaker teams), but the truth is we did not play well enough to win. I am guessing Pierre would say the same. They did not look like happy campers.

- Michel Briand predictably secured a spot. Home ice advantage definitely helped, and they played solidly all weekend.

- There were no surprises in the East, with Hemmings, Desjardins and Martel qualifying.


***

So who has qualified for men's?
Provincials will be:
1. Serge Reid
2. JM-Menard
3. Martin Ferland
4. JS Roy
5. Guy Hemmings
6. Bob Dejardins
7. Yannick Martel
8. Dan Bedard
9. Michel Briand
10. Fred Lawton

It is a strong field -and will provide some excellent curling.
I will provide some insight on this at a later date.

***

I am playing in the Laval Open this weekend with a motley crew of curlers, including Luc Chevalier, one of the nicest guys in curling. Laval is a well-run spiel - and this year has attracted a strong field of teams looking to tune up for Provincials, including Menard, Ferland and Larouche.
Truthfully, I am just there for the fondue dinner on Saturday evening.

For those of you outside of Quebec who do not know what fondue dinner is -
let me explain the concept:

1. You heat up a beef bouillon in a pot that sits in the middle of the table, using fondue fuel (possibly the most flammable substance on the planet). Usually part or all of the tablecloth is accidentally set on fire during this step.

2. Use fire extinguisher to extinguish fire from step 1.

3. You use a ridiculously sharp fork to impale a thinly sliced piece of meat (usually beef), and then cook said meat in said bouillon for approx 1 min. You can use this time to discuss with your dining companions, or to bandage the wounds on your fingers incurred while impaling the meat on the fork.

4. Fish for meat which has fallen off sharp fork into bouillon.

5. Abandon search for lost meat, steal the fork belonging to one of your table companions. Eat meat.

6. Repeat until full (usually takes 1-2 hours).

This will be my Saturday night!!! Oh yeah.

Stupid Questions About Curling from non-Curlers

I seem to be getting a lot of people asking me about curling lately - but remarkably few people seem to know much about the sport at all.
I thought I would share with you curlers a compendium of the stupid questions that non-curlers ask about the sport - and for you my readers I will provide some excellent stock answers when confronted with baffling ignorance of our fine sport. Please feel free to add to my list in the comments section below.

Top stupid question about curling from non-curlers:

1. Are you the thrower or the sweeper?

I am the sweeping guy. Someday I would like to try to throw the rock, but you have have to be advanced to do that. I find the sport is way more fun when you don't get to throw.

2. Why do you guys yell so much?

Well, we don't really like each other very much. Yelling is our way of abusing people without leaving physical evidence.

3. Is it like bowling?

Yes, it is exactly like bowling. We rent shoes. We wear polyester clothes. When we make three shots in a row, a giant dancing chicken appears on a screen above the ice. The movie Kingpin is exactly what the pro curling tour is like, except with no Amish people.

4. What does the brooming do?

Well to be honest, not much. Its really what the other players do to keep warm while someone else is throwing the rock. And it looks kinda cool.

5. How do you keep score? How much is it worth when you put one in the middle.

It is the same scoring as in darts. The middle is worth 50 points, but only if the rock is all the way into the middle circle, otherwise its 25.

6. I thought curling was for old people - are there young people that play?

Well no. The Canadian Olympic Team's average age was 74 in Vancouver. On the plus side,being in a curling club is a good way to ask around and figure out which old age home I want to be committed to later on. Always think ahead! Plus I like GMILFs, and the smell of Ben Gay turns me on!

7. Isn't curling just an excuse to drink beer?

ok- maybe that one is not such a stupid question.


***

So far - I am not doing that badly on my New Year's resolutions:

- Have not banged my broom yet
- Have not made sexist remarks about women's curling
- Have thrown a quarry's worth of practice rocks
- Have not made fun of Tom's sweeping (at least not out loud)
- Am still contemplating how to make curling bigger in Montreal

However, I did leave the curling club at 1:30ish after my club game. That one will be hard to keep.
5 out of 6 ain't bad.

***


Not much curling to update since my last blog - playdowns start this weekend (we actually have seen the draw!) http://www.arcm.ca/.

Junior provincials are underway and both my picks (Rutledge in the women's and Stewart in the men's) are in the a-final! I rock.  www.curling-quebec.com/junior/

New Year's Curling Resolutions

Ok. It is that time of the year again. Time to reflect on a year gone by, and aspire to be better.

New Year's always offers the possibility of renewal, of a clean sheet of untouched ice.

So here now are my New Year's resolutions for 2011. I will need the help of my curling friends in order to keep these, so please don't be shy to point it out to me when I am violating one of these resolutions.

I resolve to no longer make fun of women's curling on TV. While sitting alone at home, I will still question their strategy, and still cringe at the shrill sweeping calls, and I will still shake my head and try to figure out why women's curling is so much less interesting to watch on TV than men's. But I will stop making fun of it publicly. I will at least stop until I actually beat a women's team on the ice this year.

I resolve to stop sitting around the curling club drinking until 1am after club games. I figure this resolution should last at least until January 4th, my first scheduled club game.

I resolve to practice every day. My recent unemployment was an eye-opening experience. Its amazing how good you can get at this game when you can throw rocks a lot. In the past, I let trivial things such as work and family get in the way of regular practice. But no more.
This year, I resolve to throw lots of rocks.
I will throw more rocks than a caveman living next to a fruit tree.
I will throw more rocks than a G20 summit protester.
You get the idea.

I resolve to stop expecting to curl well in silly pants.

I resolve to wham my broom less. There are 2 things I do not do well when I am angry, and curling is one of them.

I resolve to do my part to help make curling big again. Our beloved sport needs more promotion. It needs more help. It needs more hype. Especially in Montreal. The fact is, there are thousands of curlers in the west Island alone, and yet the media (mainly the Gazette) gives curling less space than bobsleigh.
Open your sports section and count the number of stories and results that nobody cares about. I don't get why the Gazette does not understand that the key to its long-term survival will be its coverage of LOCAL events, and not simply reprinting canned news feeds that anyone could pick up off the internet themselves.

I resolve to stop making fun of my Third's sweeping.
I think he is taking it personally. I heard a rumour that he had dusted off his treadmill before the holidays. Scary stuff.
I suspect it looked something like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aqg55WBvf1c


***

On another topic, Provincial men's qualifying start in a mere 7 days, and yet amazingly I have not seen the draw (nor do I know who I am playing with - but that is a topic for another day).

The usual suspects are all signed up, but overall sign ups continue to plummet. It seems nobody wants to try to get to provincials anymore. Not sure where all the competitive curlers have gone, but I remember not too long ago 75+ teams would play down in Montreal for 3 or 4 spots at provincials. Now we are down to 32 or so IN THE PROVINCE.
 Strangely, I think the calibre is far stronger today than it was 20 years ago, but I am not sure what keeps everyone away from a fun weekend of curling.

Expect Bedard, Charette, Briand or hopefully me out of the West, and Desjardins (Gagne), Martel and Hemmings from the East.
But a double knockout is sure to produce lots of surprises.
If any of you feel like watching some curling, by Saturday afternoon you should see some Provincial-level games. And I am sure Longue Pointe could use the fans.
The draw for Montreal will be posted at www.ARCM.ca at some point soon I hope.

***

Quebec junior provincials starts next week as well in Chicoutimi. While I do not follow Quebec junior curling enough to venture a guess as to who will win, but I will anyway.

My illustrious 2nd from my club team (Alana Rutledge) will win the girls side, having learned so much from our Tuesday night curling experience together.

Jeffrey Stewart will win the boys side, just because I see him practicing a lot.

***

Final note -
My blog got me a job! Amazingly, the Curling News called me and wants me to write a Quebec column!
Look for me in the January edition of The Curling News (the Curling News is that paper you usually see lying around your curling club by the bar or more likely in the Men's bathroom).

Dear Santa

Dear Santa;

First of all, I would like to thank you very much for my present last year.

I very much like the new Third you sent me. Not to sound ungrateful Santa, but would have been too much to ask to send me one that doesn't look like he is about to die after sweeping a rock for 25 seconds? Well- never mind. This time of year is about being thankful for what we have.

I am also very grateful for the funky Loudmouth Curling pants you left for me. It was great to have people laughing at me for something other than my inturn.
(Fashion tip for you Santa; I think some Argyle pants would be very slimming for you - the red kinda makes you look like a bit of a firetruck.)

Now for this year. I have been more nice than naughty (I apologized for the broken broom), so I was hoping for some extra special presents this year.

Here are some random things I want -for me - and for my other friends in the curling world.

First; I would really like Jeff Stoughton's inturn. He only really uses it half of the time...I promise to make far better use of it than he does.

Second, I would like to have Jennifer Jones' clutchness. More than any other curler I have ever seen, she makes the BIG shot when she absolutely needs it the most. She typically looks like Bambi on ice early in the week at the Scotties, but once she gets to the point where she needs to make shots - Wow. I'm not sure how you are going to wrap that one Santa, but you will figure it out.

Third, I would like to have Kevin Koe's hairline. O wait - you already gave me that one. Ya thanks for that.

Fourth, I need Pierre Charette's brain. I figure I could just borrow it a few times per game.
Pierre's brain has won more curling games than any other curler's body part.
By far the smartest curler on the planet.
Pierre's brain is so big, when he flies on Air Canada, they make him buy an extra ticket for his brain.
Pierre's brain is so big, it sleeps 7 comfortably.
Pierre's brain is so big, when he goes to a movie - they actually ask him to sit in the front, and project the movie on his brain.
Pierre's brain is so big, Doctor House calls Pierre's brain when he doesn't know what to do next.
Pierre's brain is so big, he can communicate telepathically with the stones. (This is the only possible explanation I can think of as to why he makes so many shots and wins so often with such an ugly delivery).

Fifth, I need Martin Crete's voice. Or at least give me a mute button for when I play next to him. Santa, I swear two weeks ago I saw him scream for 10 seconds at a stone that had stopped moving. I think he actually though the sound waves could get it to oscillate another couple of inches.

Sixth, I need a pair of Lululemon curling pants. Scottie says they make any one's ass look better!

Ok - enough for me.

For my wife and kids; I need a clone of me for all the weekends when I am away beating myself up at yet another spiel. While he's at it, maybe he can fill in for me at work on those vacation days I am wasting on the Thursday and Friday of curling weekends.

Lastly Santa;
A wish for curling in Montreal.
I want you to make curling catch on again.
I know I sound like an old curmudgeon, but it seems to me years ago there was so much life and action in Montreal curling. There were 75+ teams signed up to play down to get to provincials.
Every spiel seemed full. There were big, fun events. There was a curling club on Fort Street.
What happened? Where did everybody go?
I hear St-Anne's curling club is on its last legs, and there are a few others teetering on the edge.
Santa; I fear curling is becoming a Winter Olympic Sport, and not the game for the masses it once was.
So Santa; I need to you to figure out how to make the sport big again. How to keep it growing.
Or at least tell me how to do it.

I'm not sure how to fit that one under the tree, but I promise not to return it, unlike that crappy John Morris fitness book you gave me last year.

Thanks Santa!

Mike the Curling Guy


***

Will try to blog sporadically over the holidays.
Merry Christmas!

Needed: Repair Work on 10-yr-old Brownie

Ah - Christmas Break.
A welcome respite from the pressure of competitive curling.
A chance to recharge the batteries before the playdowns, some time to relax with family and friends.

Sure, there is some curling on TV...a grand slam next week, and there is usually some cheesy skins game on between Christmas and New Years.
And I will likely be out practicing a lot.
But a break will be most welcome.

So heading into the break, four teams have qualified for men's provincials:

1. Serge Reid: who has continued his surprising run from last year, and has won over 17K already this season, in relatively few events.
2. JM Menard: who have been very good, but slightly less consistent than usual. Their biggest win was in September.
3. Martin Ferland: Has played sporadically well, showing signs of greatness, and signs of being very average.
4. JS Roy: Who has been all but invisible this season, with the exception of the Circuit finals, which he won to earn a spot.

Its hard not to pick Serge as the early favorite to go to the Brier. But the competition seems much more wide open than in other years. The top teams have not been as dominant as years past - I suspect 6 or 7 teams have a realistic shot at winning this year, depending what kind of week they have in Gatineau.


On another topic:

Ok - before you hear it somewhere else...

Yes, I broke a broom last week.
I admit it.
I was playing in a meaningless Sunday morning game in an open, and had just missed the 8th consecutive shot by my team in the 1st end, and was about to give up a horrible 4.
I turned and tossed my 10-year old sliding Brownie into the wall at Baie d'Urfe curling club, causing the head to pop off and jitterbug accross the ice like some sort of demonic chicken.
To make it even worse - we were playing against a junior girls team at the time. Oh the shame.

I have broken a couple of brooms in my career, and to be honest I don't know a lot a serious competitve curlers who have not whacked something to let off a little steam once in a while.
But that does not keep you from feeling like an absolute dumbass afterwords.

Strangely, I usually don't bang brooms during big, meaningful competitions. Its usually afterwords, in a game of far less importance a few weeks later that I usually get angry and wham a broom. Not sure why that is. Will have to consult with the team phychologist about that one.

I must say - I have witnessed some spectacular broom abuse during my career; I have seen a Performance Broom helicoptered across three sheets by my front end after losing a final on a pick...I have seen straw broom explode from being thrown against a wall...I have had a perrfomance broom head sail over my head after being golf swung into a hogged stone...and have heard about far worse. I think my favorite was Johnny Morris cracking his sliding broom over his thigh after missing a shot at the Brier a few years ago. That was just too cool.

But just because everybody does it, it doesn't make it right. I will try to not break any more. (I better not - there is a limited supply of angled Brownies left in the world for me to slide with!) I apoligize to anyone offended by my outburst (although I think everybody else was more amused than offended). 

Best idea ever: I guy I used to curl with at Lachine suggested that I should insert a squeaky dog toy into the head of my sliding broom - so if I ever whack it on the ice it would make a cute squeaking sound in stead of a loud wham. I am thinking about that now...
So after a missed shot you would hear "SQEAK" instead of "WHAM". It would be hard to stay mad for long. I will have to talk to the guys at Hardline about developing a prototype. It would be a great Christmas gift for the overly-tense skip in your life!


One more topic:
Congrats to Chantal Osborne and team for winning the Baie d'Urfe open last weekend. They played solidly all weekend, and beat my team in our first game.
Of note, my record against women's teams this year is a stellar 0 and 3. Thankfully only we only have to face men's teams to get to the Brier.